Bullying in New Zealand Schools is a Problem.
Research has long shown that parenting can influence whether children are involved in bullying, but only in recent years have studies begun to explore parents’ own experiences when their child is bullied. These studies, which focus on the real-life voices and stories of parents, reveal how complex and emotional the journey can be. Many parents report feeling isolated, ashamed, or powerless when trying to get help for their child, (Harcourt et al, 2015; Sawyer et al, 2011), and sometimes face disagreements with schools about what counts as bullying and how it should be handled (Rigby, 2019). This research aims to highlight that bullying is not just an issue for individual children, but one that needs a positive relationships between families and schools.
Navigating Bullying at School:
Research has long shown that parenting can influence whether children are involved in bullying, but only in recent years have studies begun to explore parents’ own experiences when their child is bullied. These studies, which focus on the real-life voices and stories of parents, reveal how complex and emotional the journey can be. Many parents report feeling isolated, ashamed, or powerless when trying to get help for their child, (Harcourt et al, 2015; Sawyer et al, 2011), and sometimes face disagreements with schools about what counts as bullying and how it should be handled (Rigby, 2019). This research highlights that bullying is not just an issue between individual children it is deeply shaped by relationships between families and schools.
Navigating Bullying at School:
Stories from Other Parents.
Jazz year 10
For many parents, figuring out whether their child is facing bullying at school is not a simple task. At first, there is uncertainty: Is this just normal conflict? Or is something more harmful going on? Parents often begin by quietly gathering information, listening, watching, and gently asking their children for details. But making sense of what is happening can take time, especially when children are hesitant to share or fear making things worse.
Sue noticed her daughter Jazz becoming increasingly upset after school. Like many parents, Sue needed Jazz's help to understand what was happening, “I can’t ring the school and just say, ‘Jazz says she’s being bullied.’ Their first question is going to be, ‘What has happened?’” It took patience, but eventually Jazz opened up about a couple of key incidents. Sue then felt ready to contact the school.
When Sue reported the incidents to Jazz's teacher, she was relieved by the immediate concern: “The teacher said, ‘I’ll get right onto it,’ and passed it on to the Deputy Principal. But when Sue later heard the Deputy Principal describe some of the behaviour as 'social ineptitude' rather than bullying, alarm bells went off. “That made me think, ‘Oh here we go… the school mode of saying bullying doesn’t happen.’ I was ready to believe we were about to be brushed off.”
To Sue surprise, the school took the situation seriously and then uncovered something even more troubling: a derogatory social media post targeting Jazz. The Deputy Principal acted swiftly: “He hauled the kid in quick smart. The page was taken down immediately, and a letter was sent to the child’s parents.” The school didn’t stop there. They arranged class discussions about responsible social media use and held follow up meetings with several students.
For Sue, this multi layered response sent a strong, reassuring message: “From that time on, Jazz didn’t report any further incidents.”
Navigating Bullying at School:
Stories from Other Parents.
Pina year 11
Before reaching out to the school, many parents spend time trying to make sense of what is really happening for their child. They listen, observe, and try to work out: Is this bullying? Or just typical schoolyard conflict?
That uncertainty is common and valid. For some, it takes time before the pattern becomes clear. But once parents decide, “Yes, this is bullying,” they often expect the school to see it the same way and take action. That moment of mutual understanding when the school validates a parent’s concern can be a turning point.
Sina remembers that moment clearly. Her son Peni had been reluctant to ask for help. When she and her husband first tried to resolve things by speaking directly with the other family involved, they were shocked. “They didn’t want to talk about it. They just said the boys needed to sort it out themselves. But to us, this wasn’t ‘normal boy stuff’ it was serious. We felt really isolated.” Eventually, Peni agreed it was time to talk to the school. Sina contacted the Year 11 Dean and the response could not have been more different from the other parents. “He immediately said, ‘This is not okay. We don’t tolerate this here.’ That’s when things started to change.”
“He told Peni ‘By standing up, you’re showing others that this kind of behaviour doesn’t belong here.’ That gave Peni the strength to keep going, and eventually, things settled down.”
By informing the school Sina also recognised her report wasn’t the first. “There was already a pattern with this group of boys so I think that helped the school act more decisively.”
Navigating Bullying at School:
Stories from Other Parents.
Emma year 5
Emma’s mum, Sarah, first noticed something was wrong when Emma, a happy and bubbly 9-year-old, began coming home unusually quiet and withdrawn. Emma no longer talked about her friends, dreaded going to school, and often said she felt left out at lunchtime and playtime.
At first, Sarah encouraged Emma to try joining in, gave her ideas for making friends, and even set up a few playdates but nothing seemed to change. Emma would come home saying things like, “They tell me there’s no room,” and “They run away when I come over.” Slowly, Sarah realised this wasn’t just everyday friendship ups and downs Emma was being socially excluded.
When Sarah spoke to Emma’s classroom teacher, she was surprised by the response. The teacher brushed it off as normal year 5 behaviour, saying, “They’re still learning social skills they’ll sort it out.” The teacher suggested Emma just needed to be more confident. Sarah felt frustrated and dismissed. She left the conversation feeling unsure where to turn, while at home Emma became more anxious. Mornings were now a battle, with Emma in tears and saying she had a stomach ache before school
Determined to help her daughter, Sarah reached out again to the school, this time to the deputy principal. She came prepared with clear examples; how Emma was consistently excluded at lunch, how she was isolated in class activities, and the emotional toll it was taking. Sarah also raised an important point, teachers have a central role in shaping peer dynamics. They can help by carefully placing students in groups, pairing children intentionally for activities, and encouraging kindness and inclusion. Sarah asked the school to actively support Emma, not just wait for the children to work things out on their own. At first, the school hesitated, but with persistence and support from another parent, they agreed to take practical steps.
Emma was paired with a buddy, teachers began watching playground interactions more closely, and they set up small-group activities designed to help children connect. Looking back, Sarah believes what made the difference was not giving up and helping the school see its role.
As a parent what information is helpful to give the school when you find out your child is the target of bullying.
Who was involved (names if possible)
What happened? (who said what, who did what)
When and where did it happen? (date, time, places)
How often has it happened? (one-off or repeated)
How is your child feeling about it?
If cyberbullying/online bullying add this:
Note any screen shots, messages or social media posts.
"Children are nearly twice as likely to tell a parent then a teacher they are the target of bullying " Abeid et al, 2011
As a parent document your communication with the school
Phone call or Face to Face: Write down who you spoke to, when and what was said.
Email: send to whoever the school directs you to talk to, as this begins an official paper trail.
If no direction is given:
Primary school: send to classroom teacher and cc the principal or deputy principal.
Secondary school: send to year level dean or equivalent and cc deputy principal.
Follow up important conversations with a polite email. Remember that most teachers want to help, but sometimes need guidance too. Approaching the school as a partner, working together is more likely to ensure your child's safety then fighting with the school.
As a parent ask for a copy of the schools bullying policy
Ask what steps will be taken to investigate?
Ask how will they keep your child safe in the meantime?
How will they up date you on the progress?