What is Bullying

Bullying is not the same as a one-off conflict. For a behaviour to be considered bullying, it must meet three key criteria: an intention to cause harm, a power imbalance, and repetition.

But repetition isn’t always as straightforward as it sounds. It doesn’t have to mean something happens every day. Sometimes, just two incidents are enough to ignite fear and shift a child’s behaviour. If a student starts dreading school, avoiding certain places, or withdrawing from peers because of what’s happened, that’s serious and it qualifies as bullying.

Repetition also looks different in online spaces. In the case of cyberbullying, even a single post can count as repeated harm if it’s seen by a wide audience or shared multiple times. We don’t need to wait for more posts to appear before we call it bullying. The reach and ongoing impact of that one act can be enough.

Power imbalances can come in many forms, popularity, physical size, race, social status, or even perceived intelligence. And the intent to harm doesn’t always mean a physical fight. It can be subtle, strategic social exclusion, or repeated jokes made at one child’s expense. Without a shared understanding of what bullying is, we risk either underreacting or overreacting responses.

Types of bulling:

Bullying can take many forms, each causing harm in distinct ways. Common types include physical bullying, such as hitting or pushing; verbal bullying, including name-calling or insults; and relational bullying, which involves damaging someone’s social relationships through exclusion or spreading rumours. Cyberbullying, an increasing concern, uses digital platforms to harass, threaten, or embarrass others. Identity-based bullying targets individuals based on characteristics such as race, gender identity, sexual orientation, disability, or faith, making it particularly harmful and often under-reported. Understanding the full range of bullying behaviours is essential for developing effective prevention and intervention strategies.

Things to think about:

1. Promote Open Communication: Encouraging children to speak up about their experiences at school is essential. Create a safe space at home where your child feels comfortable sharing any concerns or incidents of bullying. Listen actively, validate their feelings, and offer support in finding solutions.

2. Build Strong Relationships: Foster positive relationships with your child's teachers, school counsellors, and other parents. By working together and staying connected with the school community, you can effectively address and prevent bullying behaviours. Attend parent-teacher meetings, participate in school events, and join parent groups to stay involved.

3. Teach Empathy and Respect: Teach your child the importance of empathy, kindness, and respecting others. Encourage them to treat their peers with compassion and understanding. Role-play scenarios with your child to help them develop conflict resolution skills and learn how to stand up for themselves and others in a non-confrontational manner.

4. Monitor and Limit Screen Time: In today's digital age, cyberbullying has become a prevalent issue among children. Monitor your child's online activities, set limits on screen time, and educate them on responsible internet usage. Encourage open conversations about online safety and cyberbullying to help prevent and address any potential incidents.

5. Advocate for Bully Prevention Policies: Stay informed about your child's school policies and procedures regarding bullying prevention. Advocate for the implementation of comprehensive bullying prevention programs that promote a culture of inclusivity, respect, and safety for all student and sets out clear steps about reporting, identifying and resolving bullying. Support initiatives that educate students, teachers, and parents on identifying and addressing bullying behaviours effectively. By taking proactive measures and working collaboratively with schools and the wider community, we can create a positive and supportive environment that discourages bullying in New Zealand schools. Remember, it takes a collective effort a whole school approach to prevent and address bullying effectively.

The Hidden Cost: Mental Health and Bullying

The impact of bullying doesn't end when the bell rings. They follow children home. Into their bedrooms. Into their thoughts. Into the stories they tell themselves about who they are and who they’re not, and they don’t just disappear after a good weekend. They linger. Quietly. Persistently. Whispering till grows into a yell.

You can’t always see the effects of bullying, not even in the classroom. But bullying leaves a mark. And for many children, that mark shows up in their mental health long before it ever shows up in their behaviour.

If you need something more visible, something measurable, consider this: the financial cost of bullying is staggering. It’s a silent drain on our health systems, education budgets, and workforce wellbeing and it’s often underestimated.

• In New Zealand, where student-reported bullying rates are among the highest in the OECD, workplace bullying alone costs employers an estimated NZD $1.34 billion annually, a figure that only scratches the surface of what begins in school.

• In Australia, the economic cost of bullying victimisation was estimated at AUD $763 million in 2016 alone, including health care, lost productivity, and educational support. The long-term cost for each school-year cohort over 20 years was AUD $1.8 billion.

• In the United States, the toll is even more visible. In California alone, student absenteeism due to feeling unsafe costs schools an estimated USD $276 million in lost funding each year. In 2023, one California district paid $27 million in a single settlement to the family of a 13-year-old boy who died after a bullying incident.

We often say bullying is hidden. But when you look at the numbers the dollars lost, the lives changed, the systems strained you realise the damage isn’t invisible. It’s just not talked about.

Children who experience bullying are at higher risk of developing:

• Separation anxiety

• Generalised anxiety disorder

• Depression

• Phobias

• Poor self-esteem

• Physical symptoms like headaches, stomach issues, or sleep disruption

Child may withdraw from friendships, disengage from schoolwork, or become hypervigilant meaning they are constantly on edge, waiting for the next comment, the next whisper, the next shove. Over time, if it’s not addressed, that fear can become part of who they believe they are that they deserve this treatment for some reason.

But it’s not just those who are targets of bullying.

Children who engage in bullying behaviour are also at risk. Research shows they are more likely to:

• Struggle with emotional regulation

• Be diagnosed with ADHD, conduct disorder, or oppositional defiant disorder

• Experience suicidal thoughts and behaviours

• Engage in substance use or criminal activity later in life

• Suffer from poor academic and employment outcomes

Beneath the aggression, there’s often hurt. There’s fear. There’s unmet need. And when we only punish the behaviour without exploring what’s driving it, we miss the chance to stop the cycle.

Then there are the children caught in both roles the ones who are targets of bullying and who bully others. This group is most at risk (Rigby, 2019). They carry both the internalised pain of being hurt and the externalised behaviour of pushing others away. They’re more likely to experience:

• Self-harm

• Eating disorders

• Depression and anxiety

• Extreme emotional volatility

• Long-term trust and relationship difficulties

They’re also the most misunderstood. Teachers see the aggression but not the fear. Adults see the harm they cause, but not the harm they’re surviving.

If we’re serious about preventing bullying in our classroom and school, we need to stop thinking in binaries. These kids are not “bullies” or “victims.” They’re children and they’re hurting. Some act out. Some shut down. Some do both. But all of them need support. Not just to stop the bullying, but to heal from it otherwise as a country we might be ranked 1st in the OECD at bullying.

When policy creates a process that fails in the classroom.

At a staff meeting, we were reminded of the school-wide classroom management policy: that included to not let students go to the toilet during class time. Too many students were using it as an excuse to avoid learning. Too many 'emergencies' just happened to coincide with a friend being out of class. The Deputy Principal told us to use it as a lesson in self-management. Students should be using the toilet at break time, we were told.

So, when Adam in my class raised his hand and asked to go, I said no. He didn’t argue, beg, or plead. Adam just looked at me quietly, sat for a moment and then got up, walked to the classroom bin, and urinated straight into it. Just like that.

I froze. The class froze. Some students laughed; others sat in stunned silence. And Adam? He looked relieved. Because he had needed to go, and he had been told no. In that moment, I didn’t feel like a teacher following a process, I felt like an adult who had just turned a child’s basic need into a public spectacle. That day I learned something important: policies are not people. They don’t see the child in front of you. They don’t know what is urgent and what can wait and why then when schools write rules with no space for discretion, we risk trading away compassion for control.

Now, when a student in my class asks to use the toilet, I let them go. I might check for patterns. I might follow up later. But I no longer ignore biology. Because no child should have to choose between wetting themselves and breaking the rules. And to be honest, I never want to clean up warm urine in a classroom rubbish bin again.

Just as rigid toilet rules can humiliate or harm children, bullying policies can also fall short when they focus only on rules and punishments, without room for discretion, empathy, and relationship-building.

A good bullying policy should not just say “zero tolerance”.  It should help staff:

• See the child behind the behaviour

• Understand the context of the behaviour

• Understand it is behaviour so it is likely to happen again, so will need further support

• Support the child now, not just tick off procedures as informed and done.

When schools think about bullying policies, they should ask: Are we creating safety, connection, and support — or are we just enforcing rules?